


comedy central

by fungoidz



Series: richie tozier viagra indulgence [1]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Dreams, Fuck Canon, M/M, No Angst, Short, because eddie already got over the whole repression and self hatred stuff like 15 years ago, eddie hates richie's comedy, how come eddie is the one who gets the actually horny dreams huh?, rated mature vague descriptions of sex nothing explicit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-25 22:35:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20731799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fungoidz/pseuds/fungoidz
Summary: Eddie's subconscious torments him with visions of fucking the least funny SNL host of the past year.





	comedy central

**Author's Note:**

> i'm going to be taking a lot of liberties with the way eddie and myra's relationship functions because 1. i personally think king has a problem with misogyny and the way he writes women is gross a lot of the time 2. i think she'd be a fun character to flesh out beyond a whole 'eddie married his mother' joke so i'll probably do that in other fics and 3. it would feel weird to just gloss over her or trash her but i also dont have the strength to write about eddie working through a genuinely abusive relationship so it's more of just an unhealthy dynamic.
> 
> also eddie tops because i said so.

Eddie does not want to fuck Richie Tozier.

Like, at all. Tozier’s probably at the bottom of the list of people he’s attracted to. His humor is grating and cheap, he’s horribly overrated and Eddie has never managed to get through one of his specials without wanting to get sick. He looks like the kind of man who doesn’t wash his hands after he uses the bathroom and pisses on the toilet seat then doesn’t even wipe it up. Hell, he’s probably made jokes about that before. Eddie  _ knows  _ he’s made jokes like that before.

But Eddie’s been having dreams about him for years.  


_ Sex _ dreams.

Eddie hasn’t had much of a sex drive since 2003, which is also the last time he had one of the dreams, and he’s had even less of one since he married Myra, so this would be an unusual development even if it weren’t about the star of most mediocre Netflix special of 2016. He’s way too old to be dreaming about fucking Richie Tozier up the ass. He was way too old in 2003.  


Liking men is something he came to terms with before he even married Myra. He never told her of course, just like he never told his mother, but just because he didn’t want to have to deal with that. Couldn’t deal with that. He’d dealt with the self disgust and gotten over it. Eddie isn’t sure if she’d have married him if he told her. Not that Myra is bigoted or anything, at least not the way his mother was. That’s one of the key differences between the two of them. She reminds him of his mother in a lot of ways, but it isn’t.. Bad. She wasn’t exactly the most socially aware though, and Eddie felt like she might interpret the whole ‘bisexual’ thing like she had to be on double high alert for people trying to steal him away from her.  


It’s not like she needed to know, anyways. It never came up. Sex never came up. Once, Myra mentioned how she might like to have kids, and Eddie stammered his way through that convincingly enough, but that was that. It wasn’t a marriage of attraction anyways. Eddie needed somebody after his mother died, and Myra just needed somebody. They weren’t exactly.. Happy together, but they were together. 

Anyways.  


Richie Tozier.

Eddie wasn’t sure how he had gotten popular to begin with. His jokes were crass, his impressions were unfunny and inaccurate, and his humor was.. Reductive. He didn’t punch down as much as other comedians, was never homophobic to the point of bigotry or even particularly racist, but it was a lot of dick jokes and 2008 era misogyny. There was a little bit of natural charisma there, something that was more apparent in the earlier shows that Eddie had watched, but he didn’t deserve comedy specials or spots on SNL. And he certainly didn’t deserve to be in Eddie’s recurring erotic fantasies.  


Okay, they aren’t fantasies. Fantasies implies some sort of control over the situation and even if it’s all in his brain he definitely isn’t the one making this choice. It’s like Tozier’s wormed his way into his subconscious and is tormenting him in his dreams too, except what he’s doing  _ definitely _ isn’t tormenting. At least not when he’s dreaming.  


That’s the part that sucks the most, that he’s into it when it’s happening. Unrealistic, even for a dream. The last time Eddie had sex with somebody it was when he was in college and it was a nightmare of latex gloves and medical grade lubricant and being terrified that the condom was going to break the whole time even though there was no chance of pregnancy because he was fucking his roommate Gary. That was enough to turn him off of sex for a while. Except for the dreams.

He’s glad he can’t remember most of them when he wakes up, but the big picture is still there. And that picture is him having sex with Richie Tozier and both of them enjoying it. It’s weird for a lot of reasons even if you remove the whole thing about Tozier being a shitty comedian who Eddie doesn’t even like.  


First of all, Eddie’s never had a single sex dream that he can remember other than this one. Second, there is not a single aspect of the way Richie presents himself that makes Eddie think he’s interested in men, so where his subconscious has gotten the idea that he would be one hundred percent into having sex with Eddie is beyond him. Third, he’s been having them for  _ years _ . Not consecutively, of course. For a few weeks at a time, with long gaps between them. He’d honestly thought that by now, as middle age hit him like a baseball bat to the stomach, he’d be over them. Sex dreams are for horny twelve year olds, not grown men with steady jobs and a wife and a therapist.  


Speaking of his therapist, this wasn’t something he’d ever brought up. There were other, more important things to talk about, like his OCD and anxiety and how things were with Myra. Plus, he felt weird talking about sex with anybody who wasn’t a medical doctor, and even then that was only to be done in the most clinical terms possible. What was he supposed to tell her anyways? Oh, by the way, for the past, hmm, twenty or so years i’ve been having extremely detailed sexual dreams about this comedian, you might know him, his name’s Richie Tozier. No, I’m not a fan of his content, I actually think it’s pretty bad, my brain just decided that he wants to get railed and I’m the one who’s supposed to do it. What’s your diagnosis, Doc? Yeah, not gonna happen.  


It’ll go away eventually. For now it’s just an inconvenience. Masturbation is out of the question and Myra gets worried if he spends more than seven minutes in the bathroom anyways. So Eddie deals with the morning erections and the extra laundry that comes with sweating through his pyjama top and artfully doges any questions about how he’s been sleeping whenever he drinks an extra cup of Earl Grey in the mornings. Life will settle back into a normal rhythm, and maybe the next time he has the dreams he’ll be too old to get hard and Tozier’s career will be a distant memory in the public consciousness.  


Eddie can only hope.

**Author's Note:**

> also unbeta'd. i love comments, especially criticism or suggestions for other fics!


End file.
